guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
