I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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