so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize
