sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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