Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
