So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
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Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
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Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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