she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
