did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
