My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
