The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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