Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
