Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
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siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
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so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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