Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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