i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
