I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
