now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
you inspire me to be a worse person
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
