My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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