she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
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