The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
