Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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