I got her a Nickelback box set.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
