Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
