I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
