at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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