I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
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Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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