im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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