i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
