Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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