1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
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