Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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