DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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