my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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