Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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