your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
