Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
