Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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