My friends, they love my intelligence
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
