I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
