In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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