next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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