If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
