I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
