i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You ruined the universe
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
