This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
People in love make me want to vomit
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
FUCK WHALES
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
