life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
