Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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