my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
