yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
