Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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