Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
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If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
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The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize