Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
