Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
In other news, I just burned my penis
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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