thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Randomize
