His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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