i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
