I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
