I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Someone shit on the floor
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
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What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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